Did you HEAR about Lucy?

I've started this blog post several times and it never comes out right. I've decided that I'm going to just come out with the update and steer clear of the flowery language.

Lucy had her 2-year checkup this week. She had an MRI on her pelvic region to ensure that the tumor did not recur. She had blood work to make sure that cancer did not entered her body. She had a chest x-ray to see if her lungs looks clear. All of those tests came back good -- great, in fact! So good that we had to say goodbye to Dr. CC because we graduated to the next level of post-cancer care! "Yeah bay-bah," as my kids would say. 

Before all of those tests took place on Tuesday, Lucy had a hearing test on Monday. One of Lucy's chemo meds was cisplatin. This aggressive med has a side effect of hearing loss. It's pretty common to have hearing loss after this chemo med. I thought Lucy snuck passed without any other challenges, but I was wrong.

Lucy has hearing loss at the high tones. From what I understand, this means that she can't hear some sounds like 's', 'sh', 'th' and 'ch'. We take her back on the 14th for another hearing test -- basically to confirm her hearing loss. We will then order hearing aids. 


That's the facts. Now, let's get real. I was and am heartbroken. It's not on the level of a cancer re-occurrence, but I'm still heartbroken, none-the-less. Lucy has already gone through so much. For the rest of her life, she will continue to have check-up after check-up. She will have blood test after blood test. 

I was in high school before I ever got my blood drawn and that was to donate blood. I can't count the times Lucy has had her blood drawn. I've never had an MRI and I think she's had approximately 10 (give or take a few). At least one time a year, Lucy will be pricked and prodded. She will have a mom worried (and maybe paranoid) about how she's feeling every... single... day. 

Now, she can't hear well. I know I'm not alone when I say this. I want to protect my kids from everything that could hurt her or cause her any pain -- physically, mentally and emotionally. I don't consider myself a control-freak, but I'm starting to wonder if I am. I can handle not having control over most things. I know that life happens and most days you just have to go with the flow. When it comes to your child's health, every parent wants to control the situation.

I can't control cancer. I can't control the side effects of chemo. I can't protect her from any of it. When the audiologist said that she had hearing loss, my stomach fell out of my body and I felt like a complete failure as her mom. I didn't protect her. My mind says, "It could be worse, so be thankful." My heart says, "Hearing loss? Not my baby girl!" My mind says, "It's not my fault." My heart says, "Mamas are supposed to protect their babies."  

God’s got this.
— Melody Hubbell