First of all, let me say that Lucy Jo is doing great. She’s not feeling great, but her body is handling this cycle much better than the last couple. She plays, sleeps and smiles. Like I’ve mentioned in a previous post, we go back on Tuesday for scans and get our marching orders for a possible surgery. Everything is going as planned. But then this happened…
I had to actually say the ‘c’ word today for the first time. The person I was speaking to had no idea about my life the last 2.5 months. So, when I had to explain it with the insertion of the actual C*nc^r word, I realized at that moment I had a cotton ball in my throat. I couldn’t get the words out without soaking the cotton ball with tears. So they poured and they didn’t stop.
I thought about driving and sucking it up. I thought about swallowing the cotton ball and get on with the day. But I knew I would eventually explode and I didn’t want it to be in front of Charlie. Then, I thought about going home alone and just cry it out. Then I was reminded that I have an entire city of shoulders to cry on.
What do you do when you fall apart? Well, a little sister runs to her big sister. I. Literally. Fell. Apart.
I wish this situation on no parent. I hear, “I can’t imagine what you are going through.” Well if you want to try, say this out loud: “My baby girl has cancer.” Reading it is one thing. Typing it is another. But, SAYING it feels like a knife in my gut.
After Chrisy put me back together, I picked up Charlie. One of my fellow preschool moms told me she admired my strength and courage through my blog. This blog. The truth of the matter is that this blog lets me hide and not be brave. It’s kinda of like my online bathroom. Girls, you know what I’m talking about. When you were at school and you got upset, where did you go? The bathroom.
If I blog, I don’t have to talk.