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The end of a busy weekend is always bittersweet. You are sad to see the weekend fly by, but you almost need the week to start to rest up. This weekend was not one of those weekends, but it is bittersweet.

Lucy Jo has her 4th cycle of chemo beginning on Tuesday. That means this was the final weekend before the poison is infused into her body to kill the monster that is taking away 2015. She felt good for most the weekend. She felt like a normal baby. She acted like a normal baby. I know “normal” is not exactly politically correct, but… well… I don’t care about being politically correct right now.

I’m mad.

I’m sorry.

I’m honest.

I’m mad at this stupid tumor.

No I haven’t had easy babies. I’ve been on bedrest and had NICU experiences. I’ve had tough deliveries and ridiculous placenta stories. It hasn’t been easy at all. NOW THIS. Yes, I’m mad.

I’m not mad at God and I’m not mad at my babies. I’m just mad.

I’ll get over it. I’m sure of it. However, this blog is about my truth and tonight this is my truth.

I’m mad that this monster has taken away the time that I could snuggle her and giggle with her day in and day out. She has more bad days than good days and that’s not fair! I’m mad that my whole world is wrapped up in giving medicine, catching vomit, cleaning up vomit, driving to and from St. Louis and trying to make up for all of the heartaches with my 2-year-old.

I have an amazing support group. I have family, friends and even strangers who have helped us along this journey. They are amazing and I am grateful. With that said, I’M MAD that I need this support.

I’m mad that when I look back at Lucy Jo when she was a baby, it will be painful. I won’t miss her baby months. I’ll be glad when they are behind us. I’M MAD that I don’t have the memories like most mommies do.

I’M MAD that she hurts. I’M MAD that there are side effects we might not find out until later in life. I’M MAD that she will have scars that will remind us of her pain. I’M MAD that my mother has not enjoyed her retirement. I’M MAD that my whole family is wrapped up in this MONSTER.



4th Cycle

4th Cycle

What do I do?